I have been away for a while, and it is only right that I address the elephant in the room before we move further.

This blog post was in my draft and it was filled with hope, I had the one that talked about my excitement about the protest, I was an online and semi offline protester.

13/10/2020

The youths have come out in their numbers to EndSARS and end police brutality in Nigeria. Tbh I am sad about the stories of police brutality in Nigeria, but then I am proud of being a Nigerian youth, proud of all the work we are putting in to ensure that our voices are heard. It’s a lot to take in and some days I am overwhelmed by all the activities involved, yesterday Monday 12th of October the police shot at peaceful protesters and some men were killed in Surulere. I have this FOMO thing going on so I am constantly checking for updates and all.

On Sunday the policemen poured water and drenched Abuja protesters in water, they also fired tear gas in a bid to disperse the protesters, but these strong youths didn’t mind they regrouped and came back. It is amazing to see young people saying No to a system that has oppressed them for so long.

As an observer that I am, trust me to keep track of the types of people, you would find at the protest area.

1) The first category are the passionate ones, those ones are so patriotic, and they carry the protest on their heads, dedicated and positive. You will find them early in the morning blocking the Lekki toll gate, these ones can die on the line.

2) The waka pass, this category are curious, they want to know what is going on, they are not joining the protest, but the problem is that these ones could get caught up in the crossfire and violence or even stray bullets, rip Jimoh Isaq.

3) This category is like the brain box, they are the mobilisers , backend guys doing a lot of underground work for those on the streets, logistics, and emergencies, they are there for us. For example, Fk Abudu and the feminist coalition. Legal guys such as Moechievous and Adetola are also the real MVPs. Many other celebrities also independently raised funds on Instagram and Twitter to feed protesters on ground, posterity will never forget them.

4) The social media guys with their props and all, they come to show up for 10 minutes and make videos and pictures for social media. This comes in handy because these guys have a great following on social media. No effort is a waste, they have the following they are helping us to spread the word

5) The medics, who help with health emergencies for protesters, for example, aproko doctor and many others in health care.

23/10/2020

This period has been tough for me omooo. Last night I cracked jokes about relocation and marrying for visa and dual citizenship, guys I laughed so hard last night and I called my girls and we started talking about traveling out and leaving this country, more importantly, we wanted to give our kids a second option in life.

Uju, Chidinma, Yinka, Tolu, Ejiro, Tolani we are all talking japa , leaving the country and not looking back, no energy for patriotism.

Today is the day to write about Nigeria, Nigerians, and how we mourned the guys that died for the endSARS movement, and still, we didn’t get to end SARS in Nigeria, because on Twitter we still saw a video of SARS harassing a young guy in his car, crazy right? I just watched Dj Switch’s igtv and she said SARS joined the Nigerian army to shoot at harmless protesters on the night of 20th of October.

This is a bad day, week, month, or year for us in Nigeria, Covid 19 came and despite our ailing health care system we survived the scare and the virus, praise be.

I cannot get over the fact that I saw a glimpse of hope and I feel like Buhari took it away from me is still such a sour feeling for me. Trying to pray but it’s so hard but I am grateful for Christians trying to boost our faith and all but I nogo lie e dey pain, I have siblings all over the country, and in a time of crisis like this one the fear is so real, but our hope is in Jesus and He will intervene.

I am time stamping this diary, 16:04 Friday 23rd of October 2020 hopefully by this time next year I will be somewhere maybe in North America or Europe or the UK who knows but I am trusting the God of my journey, to guide me in the right path.

But the truth is I have not recovered from the effects of the protest, I feel like I need closure hence this blog post.

Closure from the aftermath of the protest because tbh it scarred me, you see I am very protective of my mental health and I am quick to mute, delete or block any nuisance in my space, but at this point how do I block or delete this memory of a massacre that happened not so far from where I live. The kind of hopelessness and helplessness that I felt, is one that I have not felt for a long time. Many times, I would attempt to work out, but I would end up laying down on my yoga mats for hours unending before I resign to fate, take a shower, and go to bed. Weekends are better because I would take long walks talking to myself like one tormented by an evil spirit. While I wanted to burn some calories, God knows that I felt haunted, and walking for 2 hours is such a relief. I look like I am okay, Nigeria looks like it has moved on, but deep down at least once a week I just break down and let out a couple of tears. I remember the first day I sat in my uber and passed the Lekki toll gate where the October 20th massacre happened, my environment looked like a warzone, banks, supermarkets, shopping plazas were not spared, they were either burnt or vandalized by hoodlums. Men and brethren, each time I get to pass the toll gate, I have to resist the urge to break down, so we would just pass by as if nothing happened,

The first day I stepped out after the massacre, I saw soldiers on the street and while I waited for my uber, they came to ask why I was loitering, I gave them a look that showed that I was literally begging for my life, in my head I was like Oga abeg don’t shoot me, I saw what you guys did at the toll gate, I don’t want to die.

I had happy tales to tell about the protest, It was not meant to end in a massacre, this protest united Nigerians all over the world, all the youths came out on the streets for a common cause. I documented this to remind not to ever forget that I lived through this protest and the massacre that happened.